Genetisystems Recruiting Dedicated Meat Shields to Repel Sansha Nation

With the onset of the Sansha Nation's publicly announced invasions of known space in New Eden, Genetisystems leadership has decided to prepare for open hostilities and begin recruiting dedicated meat shields.

"A lot of us are flying really good ships now," said Allya Modrane, CEO of Genetisystems. "It'd be a shame to lose them to pirates when we could hire others to do this for us."

"Our benefits plan is comprehensive," explained Sturm Wellington, Director. "We offer no ship replacement, no encouragement, and no share of the loot."

"What you do receive is the right to fly with us and shield good pilots like Train Tracks, Stetin, and XivOps from certain and ugly doom."

"Some would call it a stepping stone into the hallowed ranks of Genetisystems," said Cheif Astartes, renowned combat pilot and former pirate. "Not me, but some."

Pilots interested in a Meat Shield position should be able to supply and fly a battlecruiser with an excellent tank, preferably two for when their primary ship is destroyed. Interested parties should inquire with Ranger McFriendly, who, by his very name sake, is nice.

Study Reveals Schizophrenia a Problem in Low Sector Space

After a month in Low Security space, the staff psychologists employed by Genetisystems Elite Psychiatric wing have observed that schizophrenia is highly common in low security space.

"We have a yellow star," reads the corporate biography of the Yellow Star Corporation. "All members need to be me or an alt of me. Please apply to me if you're me and want to join."

"I swear you cannot go 2 AU without tripping over someone who thinks they are someone else...at the same time," explains Sturm Wellington, part-time psychologist. "People are crazy out here, but it is lonely."

"I wish I had an imaginary friend myself," he added.

Concord has long been accused of looking the other way when it comes to rampant schizophrenia, multiple personalities, and what's commonly referred to as "alt syndrome" out in the belts.

"I must admit to...suffering from slight 'alt syndrome' myself," said Stetin, Director of Genetisystems. "I checked in at my local station's medical bay. Not only did they say it was okay, but they encouraged me to get an alt."

"Some days I think Concord just doesn't care about enforcing the law."

It is yet to be seen whether 'alt syndrome' will have a negative impact on New Eden or its inhabitants.

Convoy Escort Distracted by "Classic" Car, loses Convoy

A Genetisystems convoy was ambushed and destroyed Wednesday night when a Genetisystems scout pilot was distracted by what he referred to as a "classic ride."

While waiting at the Onnamon gate in Empire space, a Drake and Badger pilot were instructed by the scout to enter low security Kinakka as the way was "clear." Unfortunately, the scout was too distracted to realize he wasn't in Kinakka.

The destroyed Badger Mark II

"I was finishing my patrol when this sweet ride flew across my bow," said Stetin, scout pilot and jalopy enthusiast. "I swear that thing was like, uh, a space El Camino or somethin'."

"It may not have been your high falutin' "tech 2" nonsense but she was sure tech 2 in my book," said Stetin.

"Boy howdy I'll tell ya what!"

Seconds after entering Kinakka while Stetin was ogling the "space El Camino," both the Drake and Badger were immediately destroyed by well-armed and entrenched pirates that would have normally been spotted by a scout.

The scout's rough approximation of the "space El Camino"

"Yeah, my bad," said Stetin when asked about the botched scouting. "Badgers are a dime a dozen. Same with Drakes. But that El Camino...man, now that was a car!"

Stetin's security contract is currently under review by the Genetisystems Board of Directors.

Frigate Tournament Concludes Amidst Cries of Foul Play

Nine frigate hulls and one pilot's good name lay derelict and burning in the Funtanainen System as a direct result of yesterday's Fourth Intergalactic Genetisystems and Guests Frigate Tournament for Pilots who Like to Pew.

"You won," said XivOps, convenient non-participant, to Stetin. "Kind of convenient, don't you think?"

"I thought you'd be happy for me," said Stetin, victor and accused cheater. "Now my feelings are hurt."

Stetin has remained undefeated for four tournaments now, leading many to question the validity of his title. Many felt his voracious onslaught was merely a prelude to his eventual victory.

"I felt like a Gurista Pirate just waiting for his bounty to be plucked," said Griff Tarken, a man renowned for quickly escaping his burning Merlins.

"I'm not even sure why Stetin bothered to transfer the Worm prize frigate all the way to Funtanainen," said Sturm Wellington, sore loser. "He kept boasting about all the goodies inside. Probably because he knew they'd be his goodies."

The Worm prize frigate now flown by Stetin.

The Worm, valued at 69 Million ISK, is reportedly both a collector's item and combat ship worthy of petty jealousy and envious emotions.

There have been discussions amongst the Board of Directors to modify the rules of the tournament, or outright cheat, in order to see a new, more legitimate champion emerge.

"I'm not averse to sabotage for future tournaments," said CEO Allya Modrane. "If it costs me a little ISK to see him explode "illegally," then fine."

"I'm just sick of his strutting," she added. Many have noted how nice it is that Incarna isn't available yet for just this reason.

Stetin has gone to the Intergalactic Board of Frigate Tournaments to plead his case and clear his name. Though his initial plea has been filed, it will be at least a year before opening arguments can be heard.

"In New Eden the defendant is guilty until proven innocent, so for the next year at least, Stetin is a cheater," said Sturm Wellington, self-proclaimed "space judicator."

"Regardless of the result of the case, we already intend to appeal," said Allya Modrane. "We may not be able to shoot him down in space, but we'll have our day in court."

Genetisystems will follow the case of Losers v. Stetin as it unfolds.

Redneck Spacers Engage in "Wussy" Piracy

Late Thursday evening, long after the frogs started chripin', four members of the less-than-elite Salvage 'n Thiefen' Wing of Genetisystems stole 12 Million ISK in goods.

"We shore got those suckers good," said Sturm Wellington, Junker First Class. "I pulled up mah Thrasher, which is like the RV of the skies, and stole plenty!"

Salvage 'n Thiefen pilots desperately salvage before the law arrives.

"Weeeee doggies!" shouted Stetin.

The four members of the Salvage 'n Thiefen' Wing have been training for months to pull off a coordinated salvage heist against local militia groups.

"Allya here learnt how to find these folks with her....hold on one sec," said Stetin. "Honey, what do you call that damn space lookey thinger?"

"I call it 'space noodlin'" explained Griff Tarken. "Plus, the salvage sure pays the bills better than a durn catfish I'll tell you what."

"Good eatin' though."

The local population in Motsu was less enthusiastic about the salvage heist conducted by the four members of Genetisystems.

"These lazy hicks think they are so superior for stealing what is rightfully ours," complained one victim. "They are probably all dickless."

"Yeah, look at what that big city educating got them now, huh?" said Wellington. "Go write your congressman, you nancies."

Concord was contacted for comment, but had nothing to say on the subject.

Border Drug Bust Reinvigorates Drug Debate

When Sturm Wellington warped towards the Haajinen jump gate Sunday night, he didn't intend to do so as a drug smuggler.

"My ship's alarm started going off and a Caldari Border Patrol agent with a thick German accent began threatening me with death," explained Wellington. "Though it took me a while to figure out what he was saying."

"I thought he was saying 'daaaath,' which just doesn't mean anything."

Under Caldari law, possession of any illegal drugs of any amount is punishable by a reasonable fine and Governmental cold shoulder, or immediate death. To avoid immediate death, Wellington handed over his cargo, paid an immediate fine of 186,000 ISK, and suffered a nebulous relationship penalty with the local enforcement agency.

"I'm not a drug user, per se," said Wellington. "But I feel my rights were violated by this unwarranted scan of my cargo, not to mention the unreasonable punishment."

"Death, for what amounts to a dime-cargo container of 'Veldspar Dust'? Ridiculous."

The Caldari Navy has long been fighting a drug regulation war against the various pirate factions that many see as a futile conflict.

"Taxpayer ISK, not to mention expensive Navy clones are being wasted on a fight we simply cannot win," said a press secretary on behalf of a member of the Council of Stellar Management. "Instead of fighting against the pirates, we should legalize the drugs and open up yet another source of tax revenue."

"It doesn't help that the introduction of planetary resources into the economy hasn't been quite the stimulus we hoped," added the press secretary.

More conservative members of the Council claim the legalization of drugs undermines the moral fabric of the Caldari State and will lead to more reckless government spending.

"What are we, Minmatar?" shouted the opposition leader during a rally.

As the fight unfolds on various levels, common pilots are left to question their own feelings on the subject.

"I certainly won't be picking up any drugs any time soon," said Sturm Wellington. "Not that I don't want to, though."

Downed Pilots Share "Broment" While Awaiting Pick Up

After a brief, yet intense firefight between local pirates and Genetisystem's elite Tactical Airwing in Nalvula last week, two downed pilots were forced to share a pod for their very survival.

"My Rifter went down quickly," said Sturm Wellington. "I then looked outside my pod and saw Stetin go down as well."

It was then, Wellington explained, the situation grew tense.

"The Drake pilot that killed us fired a final missile at Stetin's pod," explained Wellington. "The missile wasn't a direct hit, but it was close enough."

"I knew if I didn't do something, Stetin would die. At least until he cloned himself again," continued Wellington.

Sturm Wellington directed his slow moving pod on an intercept course with Stetin's fatally damaged pod. Just as the two pods collided, Wellington opened his capsule, grabbed the now incapacitated Stetin from his capsule, and pulled him inside to safety.

"I was shocked when I finally came to," said Stetin. "I wasn't expecting to be alive...among other surprises."

"I tend to not wear pants when flying," explained Wellington. "They chafe and I find that I fly better without them."

"I wasn't expecting company," he added.

The two pilots shared several awkward hours in incredibly tight confines until the pod was finally picked up by Ranger McFriendly, a Genetisystems salvager.

"Opening that pod was pretty much the weirdest minute of my life," said McFriendly. "I think I'd rather die and be cloned than get pretzled in like that."

 "Sturm really helped me out back there," said Stetin. "I just hope he never does that again."

Genetisystems has announced to investors that establishing a presence in low security space is a high priority for the corporation this fiscal year. They have cautioned investors that costs will rise during this risky period of expansion.

Small Squadron Deals Crushing, Easily Replaced Blow to Guristas

A small squadron comprised of members of the elite Genetisystems Tactical Airwing deployed to Ruvas Monday night to repel a large Gurista Pirates incursion from high security space. In the three hour firefight that ensued, several dozen Gurista flotilla's were utterly decimated, dealing a blow that will take the hostile pirate faction approximately 85 seconds to recoup.

"We collected quite a few bounties," noted squadron leader Cheif. "All for the greater good, of course," he quickly added.

Few doubt the true motives of the squadron, however.

"Without a doubt we were driven by ISK," explained Sturm Wellington, squadron member. "Killing pirates is great and all, but salvage and bounty is pretty tops."

"I may buy myself a new shuttle," he added.

Correspondents attached to the squadron observed the an utter lack of subtlety in the tactics employed.

"Cruise missile after cruise missile after cruise missile were just heaved at hulls left and right...or is it up and down in space?" questioned a freelancer with The Daily Poddite. "I thought the Raven pilot might change it up with, I don't know, a maneuver or Thermal Damage or...something. But he just sat there and heaved cruise missiles."

The Guristas released a video claiming responsibility for the attack. The spokesperson in the video continued on to vow that "vengeance will be ours!"

Reports of new Gurista assaults throughout Lonetrek have emerged, indicating this conflict may be long and costly for the citizens of New Eden.