Wellington Banished from Corp after Damning Trial

In a dramatic show trial that is surely to be remembered as the examination of one of New Eden's most reprehensible criminals, Sturm Wellington has been banished from Genetisystems.

"He's a disgusting, filthy, hairy little pod pilot," said Dirk Morbho, prosecuting attorney representing Genetisystems. "I haven't seen such in all my years flying for Genetisystems."

CEO Allya Modrane, the only smart one

"He makes the sound of a donkey being shoved in a waffle," he added.

The trial lasted 2 weeks and was initiated after Sturm Wellington made untoward advances upon noticing his CEO's recent plastic surgery.

"What can I say? Modrane had some "fries with that shake," explained Wellington.

Sturm Wellington, defendant/douchebag

"I'm just sad we couldn't act with respects towards each othersss," hissed Stetin, Allya Modrane's husband and space Smeagol impersonator. "Stupid, fats, Wellingtons!"

Stetin, angry freak

Many from Genetisystems' honored combat ranks stepped forward to defend Modrane's honor, but Wellington declined satisfaction, instead opting to flee into null security space like the coward he is.

"I just caught this historical holo-vid called "True Grit," in which the antagonist flees to indian territory," said Sturm Wellington. "I could see clear parallels to my own situation, so I fled."

"I'm hoping I don't die at the end," he added.

"Everyone can just calm down," cried Allya Modrane, CEO. "I could kill everyone here if need be. Wellington's an idiot and not worth my time."

"Plus," added Modrane, "Stetin is in desperate need of some color. Him getting angry drastically improved his complexion."

It remains to be seen whether the bounty on Wellington's head will be collected. To profit from the speculation, Dirk Morbho, Jax Hammer, and Ranger McFriendly have pitched in to create a "Days Until Sturm's Death" pool on the popular SOMER Blink lottery system.

"God I hope he dies Tuesday," said McFriendly. "I put a lot of ISK on Tuesday."

Russia Pulls Troops Out of Georgia, Chechnya, to Bolster Black Rise Fleet Strength

After last night's devastating loss to the pathetic, carebear pilots of Genetisystems' Elite Tactical Airwing, Prime Minister Dmitri Medvedev of the Russian Federation has announced he will withdrawal troops from both Georgia and Chechnya to reinforce his beleaguered digital space navy forces in the Black Rise Region.

"I thought the days of the Cold War were long past us," said Medvedev. "Days of uncertainty, deceit, and terror are being brought back by this rogue element of the western regime."

"I am saddened by this turn of events," said Vladimir Putin, Prime Minister of the Russian Federation. "I sought a different future that apparently eludes us all."

Russia has re-allocated two armored divisions and three squadrons of air superiority forces to reinforce their Russian privateers working in Black Rise. The troops are expected to arrive before year's end.

In a solemn press conference, one pilot of the routinely harried pirate organization took the podium with a simple, but eye-opening statement.

When asked to comment on her corporations anti-piracy policy, Allya Modrane was reluctant to comment. Fortunately for The Daily Poddite, Genetisystems' Director Stetin was happy to oblige.

"Oh we killed them good," said Stetin. "I don't even turn the guns on anymore. It's just getting easy and we need a challenge."

"Hell, my Orca is on the kill mail," he added.

Concord agents were pleased with the destruction of the pirate fleet and gladly awarded bounties to the Genetisystems pilots.

"We're just glad they are doing the job we cannot," said Helmut Wunderschpoon, Concord Press Secretary. "Kehjari, Martoh, Kinakka -- long have these star systems been out of control and rampant with piracy."

"It seems a new age has dawned?"

Genetisystems Recruiting Dedicated Meat Shields to Repel Sansha Nation

With the onset of the Sansha Nation's publicly announced invasions of known space in New Eden, Genetisystems leadership has decided to prepare for open hostilities and begin recruiting dedicated meat shields.

"A lot of us are flying really good ships now," said Allya Modrane, CEO of Genetisystems. "It'd be a shame to lose them to pirates when we could hire others to do this for us."

"Our benefits plan is comprehensive," explained Sturm Wellington, Director. "We offer no ship replacement, no encouragement, and no share of the loot."

"What you do receive is the right to fly with us and shield good pilots like Train Tracks, Stetin, and XivOps from certain and ugly doom."

"Some would call it a stepping stone into the hallowed ranks of Genetisystems," said Cheif Astartes, renowned combat pilot and former pirate. "Not me, but some."

Pilots interested in a Meat Shield position should be able to supply and fly a battlecruiser with an excellent tank, preferably two for when their primary ship is destroyed. Interested parties should inquire with Ranger McFriendly, who, by his very name sake, is nice.

Genetisystems Celebrates First Month in Space by Destroying 1 Billion ISK in Pirate Tonnage

After a month of conducting commercial and combat operations in low security space, Genetisystems has destroyed well over 1 Billion ISK in pirate tonnage.

The push over the billion mark was sped up with the arrival of a Tengu and Vagabond pilot in the home system last night. After what resulted in a stunning, all hands on deck fleet battle, the Tengu and Vagabond lay destroyed and salvaged with only one Genetisystems' Hurricane loss.

"I had a long call with our corporate accountant last night," said Stetin. "I was having trouble conversing with him clearly as he was flying a Mastodon. You know Minmatar tech. But it was clear to both of us that we had cleared the billion mark."

"Carnage!" added XivOps, a Genetisystems Director.

The first anti-Pirate victory was against a Megathron, which fell to an ambush totaling 7 Genetisystems pilots and 1 ally. A short while later the company was able to destroy a Pilgrim force recon ship and a Drake.

"Only a month ago we were crapping our pants about a lone Ishtar mercenary and freaking out about friendly fire," said Sturm Wellington, a former Director who was disgraced after an intergalactic incident with Yellow Star Corps. "I literally pooped a little when that Ishtar charged us."

"I'm not proud," he added.

"We've proven quite a few times now that arrogant pirates will die when they enter our turf," said PsyKrow, the fleet commander for the majority of the anti-pirate battles. "At this point, I'm more concerned with wife aggro than pirates."

Action against the local pirates in system, long a menace to inhabitants, has brought out courage in even the most unlikely of pilots. Train Tracks, mop boy, has been in every pirate battle and has survived all of them to emerge as one of the true heroes of the Genetisystems fleet.

"They kept saying to me, 'go away mop boy,' or 'my ship's dirty mop boy!" he explained. "Well, I don't expect to hear none of this 'mop boy' crap come Monday."

From the top down, Genetisystems is energized and excited.

"I think it's all due to my iron fisted rule," said Allya Modrane, CEO and Dictator of Genetisystems. "I've slapped a few pilots around and made a few calls that nobody wanted me to make."

"But I got it done, didn't I? I mean we?" she added.

Genetisystems has recently added four pilots to help aid in the fight against piracy and profit from low security space. With the value of Genetisystems stock at an all time high, it is the best move possible for all.

Genetisystems Ally Keeps Corpse, Sanity in Station

Days after the outlaw Bacujlek was destroyed for piracy in the Genetisystems home system, his corpse remains in a small, privately owned cargo hold.

"This one sure is ripe," said Ishannar, self-avowed corpse collector. "Sometimes you need something this ripe to remind the senses of what's what out here in the vacuum of space."

"You get me?" he asked.

Bacujlek's naked body

Ishannar is a member of a corporation that has recently signed a legally binding non-compete clause with Genetisystems. Despite the legal penalties of discarding such a deal, Genetisystems is considering prematurely revoking the clause due to Ishannar's strange corpse fetish.

"I don't do business with yay-hoos who keep dead bodies lying around for one thing," said Sturm Wellington, Director and Spokesperson for Genetisystems.

"He's in there dressing that thing up like a mariachi singer I shit you not!" explained Wellington. "We wanted to do business but this dude's losing it."

"Yes, I'm eccentrik!" said Ishannar excitedly. "Please spell 'eccentrik' with a k for your story," he added. "I no longer feel the need to restrict myself to the letter c."

Legal representatives from both corporations have been working to calm the situation and keep things "business as usual." It remains to be seen whether the corpse, or this fledgling business partnership, will rot first.

Lazy Pirate Slaughtered by Genetisystems Security Forces

The ongoing three-week old border conflict between the annoying to type H.O.U.S.E. corporation and stalwart Genetisystems corporation flared up again last night when a small squadron of Genetisystems pilots hunted and destroyed a prominent member of H.O.U.S.E.

"I think he floated out of station by accident," explained Train Tracks, member of the successful squadron. "Then we beat the shit out of him."

The pirate's Pilgrim was valued at well over 100 Million ISK.

"I'm not sure he was even in the right window when he undocked" said Allya Modrane, CEO. Modrane is referring to the pod pilot interface that allows for others to view important sites like PodCloneBook and "games" like AsteroidVille.

As the night continued H.O.U.S.E. lost an additional Drake Battlecruiser to the noble Genetisystems forces.

The total losses of the *sigh* H.O.U.S.E. corporation have totaled almost 400 Million ISK to date, with an unknown number of losses associated with potential pilot implants. Though Genetisystems is not without casualties, the balance is clearly in the scrappy corporations favor.

Convoy Escort Distracted by "Classic" Car, loses Convoy

A Genetisystems convoy was ambushed and destroyed Wednesday night when a Genetisystems scout pilot was distracted by what he referred to as a "classic ride."

While waiting at the Onnamon gate in Empire space, a Drake and Badger pilot were instructed by the scout to enter low security Kinakka as the way was "clear." Unfortunately, the scout was too distracted to realize he wasn't in Kinakka.

The destroyed Badger Mark II

"I was finishing my patrol when this sweet ride flew across my bow," said Stetin, scout pilot and jalopy enthusiast. "I swear that thing was like, uh, a space El Camino or somethin'."

"It may not have been your high falutin' "tech 2" nonsense but she was sure tech 2 in my book," said Stetin.

"Boy howdy I'll tell ya what!"

Seconds after entering Kinakka while Stetin was ogling the "space El Camino," both the Drake and Badger were immediately destroyed by well-armed and entrenched pirates that would have normally been spotted by a scout.

The scout's rough approximation of the "space El Camino"

"Yeah, my bad," said Stetin when asked about the botched scouting. "Badgers are a dime a dozen. Same with Drakes. But that El Camino...man, now that was a car!"

Stetin's security contract is currently under review by the Genetisystems Board of Directors.

Genetisystems Builds Space Station in Simulators

Director Stetin of the Genetisystems Engineering and Industrial Sector successfully completed the simulator run of establishing a space station tonight.

"Everything went smoothly, much more so than expected," noted Stetin.

With the simulation behind the corporation, final plans are being set to create an expeditionary fleet and establish a space station presence in New Eden.

"The next step won't be a simulation," said Stetin. "Pilots will die. Pilots like Sturm. But, our shareholders are willing to accept such "trivial" losses at this time."

All photos taken by Stetin.

Genetisystems on the Move

The Daily Poddite had a pilot embedded with the 1st Genetisystems Expeditionary Fleet currently operating out of an undisclosed low security system. The Genetisystems Board of Directors has unanimously approved a measure to expand operations into low security space with a space station.

A Buzzard flies reconnaissance for a loaded Mastodon transport

Genetisystems fleet in cloak. 

Uncloaked and moving through space.

All photos taken by Stetin.

Space Bears Steal, then lose, Veritable "Honey Pot" of Omber

Two opportunistic pilots stumbled across a relatively undefended cache of Omber Friday night in a system that starts with the letter A. After a brief period of internal moral questioning, the pilots made off with the Omber.

A short period later, they lost it.

"I jettisoned a few missiles to create a cargo container," said Sturm Wellington. "Then, I just removed 38,000 units of Omber from the Osprey pilot's container and moved it to my own container."

"Easy peezy!" exclaimed Wellington, self-avowed galactic moron.

To evade any retribution from the victim, Sturm Wellington and his compatriot Ranger McFriendly quickly fled out of system in their vastly more powerful Cruiser and Battlecruiser.

"Boy, we sure got that sucker!" said Ranger McFriendly, escort and idiot accomplice. "Welcome to EVE!" he added.

After depositing a token amount of the Omber from his Caracal's hold into a nearby Funtanainen station, Wellington observed a key and unfortunate fact -- the cargo container containing the stolen Omber had not been bookmarked.

"I was like, 'hey Ranger, you bookmark the Omber?" explained Wellington. "And we was like, 'nuh uh, how 'bout you?"

"We both felt pretty stupid," said McFriendly.

Sturm Wellington managed to re-scan the cosmic anomaly and then find the cargo container once again. However, the time spent doing so greatly devalued the stolen Omber and the quality of the heist.

"My cloned heart just wasn't into it," said Wellington. "I just felt stupid and wanted to return to Oimmo to sulk."

No complaints were filed with the local Concord authorities regarding the heist.

Frigate Tournament Concludes Amidst Cries of Foul Play

Nine frigate hulls and one pilot's good name lay derelict and burning in the Funtanainen System as a direct result of yesterday's Fourth Intergalactic Genetisystems and Guests Frigate Tournament for Pilots who Like to Pew.

"You won," said XivOps, convenient non-participant, to Stetin. "Kind of convenient, don't you think?"

"I thought you'd be happy for me," said Stetin, victor and accused cheater. "Now my feelings are hurt."

Stetin has remained undefeated for four tournaments now, leading many to question the validity of his title. Many felt his voracious onslaught was merely a prelude to his eventual victory.

"I felt like a Gurista Pirate just waiting for his bounty to be plucked," said Griff Tarken, a man renowned for quickly escaping his burning Merlins.

"I'm not even sure why Stetin bothered to transfer the Worm prize frigate all the way to Funtanainen," said Sturm Wellington, sore loser. "He kept boasting about all the goodies inside. Probably because he knew they'd be his goodies."

The Worm prize frigate now flown by Stetin.

The Worm, valued at 69 Million ISK, is reportedly both a collector's item and combat ship worthy of petty jealousy and envious emotions.

There have been discussions amongst the Board of Directors to modify the rules of the tournament, or outright cheat, in order to see a new, more legitimate champion emerge.

"I'm not averse to sabotage for future tournaments," said CEO Allya Modrane. "If it costs me a little ISK to see him explode "illegally," then fine."

"I'm just sick of his strutting," she added. Many have noted how nice it is that Incarna isn't available yet for just this reason.

Stetin has gone to the Intergalactic Board of Frigate Tournaments to plead his case and clear his name. Though his initial plea has been filed, it will be at least a year before opening arguments can be heard.

"In New Eden the defendant is guilty until proven innocent, so for the next year at least, Stetin is a cheater," said Sturm Wellington, self-proclaimed "space judicator."

"Regardless of the result of the case, we already intend to appeal," said Allya Modrane. "We may not be able to shoot him down in space, but we'll have our day in court."

Genetisystems will follow the case of Losers v. Stetin as it unfolds.