Space Bears Steal, then lose, Veritable "Honey Pot" of Omber

Two opportunistic pilots stumbled across a relatively undefended cache of Omber Friday night in a system that starts with the letter A. After a brief period of internal moral questioning, the pilots made off with the Omber.

A short period later, they lost it.

"I jettisoned a few missiles to create a cargo container," said Sturm Wellington. "Then, I just removed 38,000 units of Omber from the Osprey pilot's container and moved it to my own container."

"Easy peezy!" exclaimed Wellington, self-avowed galactic moron.

To evade any retribution from the victim, Sturm Wellington and his compatriot Ranger McFriendly quickly fled out of system in their vastly more powerful Cruiser and Battlecruiser.

"Boy, we sure got that sucker!" said Ranger McFriendly, escort and idiot accomplice. "Welcome to EVE!" he added.

After depositing a token amount of the Omber from his Caracal's hold into a nearby Funtanainen station, Wellington observed a key and unfortunate fact -- the cargo container containing the stolen Omber had not been bookmarked.

"I was like, 'hey Ranger, you bookmark the Omber?" explained Wellington. "And we was like, 'nuh uh, how 'bout you?"

"We both felt pretty stupid," said McFriendly.

Sturm Wellington managed to re-scan the cosmic anomaly and then find the cargo container once again. However, the time spent doing so greatly devalued the stolen Omber and the quality of the heist.

"My cloned heart just wasn't into it," said Wellington. "I just felt stupid and wanted to return to Oimmo to sulk."

No complaints were filed with the local Concord authorities regarding the heist.

Frigate Tournament Concludes Amidst Cries of Foul Play

Nine frigate hulls and one pilot's good name lay derelict and burning in the Funtanainen System as a direct result of yesterday's Fourth Intergalactic Genetisystems and Guests Frigate Tournament for Pilots who Like to Pew.

"You won," said XivOps, convenient non-participant, to Stetin. "Kind of convenient, don't you think?"

"I thought you'd be happy for me," said Stetin, victor and accused cheater. "Now my feelings are hurt."

Stetin has remained undefeated for four tournaments now, leading many to question the validity of his title. Many felt his voracious onslaught was merely a prelude to his eventual victory.

"I felt like a Gurista Pirate just waiting for his bounty to be plucked," said Griff Tarken, a man renowned for quickly escaping his burning Merlins.

"I'm not even sure why Stetin bothered to transfer the Worm prize frigate all the way to Funtanainen," said Sturm Wellington, sore loser. "He kept boasting about all the goodies inside. Probably because he knew they'd be his goodies."

The Worm prize frigate now flown by Stetin.

The Worm, valued at 69 Million ISK, is reportedly both a collector's item and combat ship worthy of petty jealousy and envious emotions.

There have been discussions amongst the Board of Directors to modify the rules of the tournament, or outright cheat, in order to see a new, more legitimate champion emerge.

"I'm not averse to sabotage for future tournaments," said CEO Allya Modrane. "If it costs me a little ISK to see him explode "illegally," then fine."

"I'm just sick of his strutting," she added. Many have noted how nice it is that Incarna isn't available yet for just this reason.

Stetin has gone to the Intergalactic Board of Frigate Tournaments to plead his case and clear his name. Though his initial plea has been filed, it will be at least a year before opening arguments can be heard.

"In New Eden the defendant is guilty until proven innocent, so for the next year at least, Stetin is a cheater," said Sturm Wellington, self-proclaimed "space judicator."

"Regardless of the result of the case, we already intend to appeal," said Allya Modrane. "We may not be able to shoot him down in space, but we'll have our day in court."

Genetisystems will follow the case of Losers v. Stetin as it unfolds.

Redneck Spacers Engage in "Wussy" Piracy

Late Thursday evening, long after the frogs started chripin', four members of the less-than-elite Salvage 'n Thiefen' Wing of Genetisystems stole 12 Million ISK in goods.

"We shore got those suckers good," said Sturm Wellington, Junker First Class. "I pulled up mah Thrasher, which is like the RV of the skies, and stole plenty!"

Salvage 'n Thiefen pilots desperately salvage before the law arrives.

"Weeeee doggies!" shouted Stetin.

The four members of the Salvage 'n Thiefen' Wing have been training for months to pull off a coordinated salvage heist against local militia groups.

"Allya here learnt how to find these folks with her....hold on one sec," said Stetin. "Honey, what do you call that damn space lookey thinger?"

"I call it 'space noodlin'" explained Griff Tarken. "Plus, the salvage sure pays the bills better than a durn catfish I'll tell you what."

"Good eatin' though."

The local population in Motsu was less enthusiastic about the salvage heist conducted by the four members of Genetisystems.

"These lazy hicks think they are so superior for stealing what is rightfully ours," complained one victim. "They are probably all dickless."

"Yeah, look at what that big city educating got them now, huh?" said Wellington. "Go write your congressman, you nancies."

Concord was contacted for comment, but had nothing to say on the subject.

Wormhole Raid Leaves Lone Survivor to Enjoy Loot

After a successful raid into ancient sleeper territory in a wormhole out of Arvasaras, disaster struck a small squadron of Genetisystem's elite Exploration Airwing.

"It was a bloodbath," said Sturm Wellington, scout and lone survivor. "If it weren't for all this money I no longer need to share with anyone else, I would have no way to wipe away these tears."

The operation, which began as a calculated foray into sleeper territory for ancient technology, met disaster early.

"Aliso Keppo's Manticore was shredded within seconds of insertion," explained Wellington. "Frankly, I'm surprised the rest of the fleet survived the fumes put out by Stetin's hulk."

After a tense, sustained firefight, the remnants of the squadron prepared to exit wormhole space to return to high security, when the exit Wormhole collapsed.

"Stetin seems to have this perverse...urge...to collapse every wormhole he sees," said Allya Modrane, CEO of Genetisystems. "He's like an Arvasaran bull in a Jitan China closet."

"What's China?" asked Stetin.

Unscathed due to the skilled application of a cloaking device, Sturm Wellington discovered another exit wormhole and led the squadron deep into low security Amarr space. Isolated through six jumps, the squadron seemed destined for safety in high security space.

"Two jumps from high sec, we hit a gate camp," said Ranger McFriendly. "Allya was grabbed pretty quickly while Stetin and I tried to fight."

"Sturm scattered like a cockroach."

"Sure I ran," said Sturm Wellington. "But if I hadn't, and by that I mean we, wouldn't have earned all this ISK."

Allya Modrane's Drake was quickly destroyed by the pirates at the gate. Stetin's Maelstrom and Ranger McFriendly's Drake were destroyed in the following system. 

"It could have been worse," said Sturm Wellington. "I could have been destroyed too."

All photos taken by Stetin.

Pilot Gets Shot Down, Blames Girlfriend

An aloof pod pilot was shot down Tuesday night while dealing with his girlfriend.

Sturm Wellington and other elements of Genetisystems' elite Tactical Airwing were patrolling low sector space in Black Rise when fleet discipline fell apart, resulting in casualties.

"I ordered the fleet to hold on the gate," said Malek Treiss, fleet commander. "Everyone called in affirmative, except Sturm Wellington."

"He just disappeared," said Treiss.

The members of the fleet tried to communicate with Wellington via all possible methods, including shouting into the comm system, sending mail messages, and even ramming his Griffin.

Then, the inexplicable happened.

"Sturm came back onto the comms and shouted 'Sorry, back guys!'" explained Stetin. "Then he just jumped through the gate."

"It was one of the dumbest things I've seen in space," said Stetin.

"I immediately ordered Sturm back," said Treiss. "Unfortunately, there were pirates waiting for him on the other side and his Tech 1 Frigate exploded like a soft candy."

After the short, but hectic chase by the pirates, Wellington and the fleet were able to gather in station and debrief on the incident.

"My girlfriend called me while we were on patrol," explained Wellington. "I tried to get her off to phone by repeatedly shouting "I'm in a combat zone!"

"She just wouldn't listen though," he said. "They never do."

When Sturm Wellington was able to finally return to his Griffin's HUD, he found himself alone at the gate and assumed the fleet had jumped to the next system designated for the patrol. Unfortunately, the fleet was still in system, though now under cloak.

"I really wanted to try out my new cloaking device," explained Ty Langstrom, fleet member.

"We'll need to work with Sturm on his fleet discipline," said Malek Treiss. "Girlfriend or no, that sort of reckless flying will get us all podded."

Wellington's girlfriend was not available for comment.

Border Drug Bust Reinvigorates Drug Debate

When Sturm Wellington warped towards the Haajinen jump gate Sunday night, he didn't intend to do so as a drug smuggler.

"My ship's alarm started going off and a Caldari Border Patrol agent with a thick German accent began threatening me with death," explained Wellington. "Though it took me a while to figure out what he was saying."

"I thought he was saying 'daaaath,' which just doesn't mean anything."

Under Caldari law, possession of any illegal drugs of any amount is punishable by a reasonable fine and Governmental cold shoulder, or immediate death. To avoid immediate death, Wellington handed over his cargo, paid an immediate fine of 186,000 ISK, and suffered a nebulous relationship penalty with the local enforcement agency.

"I'm not a drug user, per se," said Wellington. "But I feel my rights were violated by this unwarranted scan of my cargo, not to mention the unreasonable punishment."

"Death, for what amounts to a dime-cargo container of 'Veldspar Dust'? Ridiculous."

The Caldari Navy has long been fighting a drug regulation war against the various pirate factions that many see as a futile conflict.

"Taxpayer ISK, not to mention expensive Navy clones are being wasted on a fight we simply cannot win," said a press secretary on behalf of a member of the Council of Stellar Management. "Instead of fighting against the pirates, we should legalize the drugs and open up yet another source of tax revenue."

"It doesn't help that the introduction of planetary resources into the economy hasn't been quite the stimulus we hoped," added the press secretary.

More conservative members of the Council claim the legalization of drugs undermines the moral fabric of the Caldari State and will lead to more reckless government spending.

"What are we, Minmatar?" shouted the opposition leader during a rally.

As the fight unfolds on various levels, common pilots are left to question their own feelings on the subject.

"I certainly won't be picking up any drugs any time soon," said Sturm Wellington. "Not that I don't want to, though."

Downed Pilots Share "Broment" While Awaiting Pick Up

After a brief, yet intense firefight between local pirates and Genetisystem's elite Tactical Airwing in Nalvula last week, two downed pilots were forced to share a pod for their very survival.

"My Rifter went down quickly," said Sturm Wellington. "I then looked outside my pod and saw Stetin go down as well."

It was then, Wellington explained, the situation grew tense.

"The Drake pilot that killed us fired a final missile at Stetin's pod," explained Wellington. "The missile wasn't a direct hit, but it was close enough."

"I knew if I didn't do something, Stetin would die. At least until he cloned himself again," continued Wellington.

Sturm Wellington directed his slow moving pod on an intercept course with Stetin's fatally damaged pod. Just as the two pods collided, Wellington opened his capsule, grabbed the now incapacitated Stetin from his capsule, and pulled him inside to safety.

"I was shocked when I finally came to," said Stetin. "I wasn't expecting to be alive...among other surprises."

"I tend to not wear pants when flying," explained Wellington. "They chafe and I find that I fly better without them."

"I wasn't expecting company," he added.

The two pilots shared several awkward hours in incredibly tight confines until the pod was finally picked up by Ranger McFriendly, a Genetisystems salvager.

"Opening that pod was pretty much the weirdest minute of my life," said McFriendly. "I think I'd rather die and be cloned than get pretzled in like that."

 "Sturm really helped me out back there," said Stetin. "I just hope he never does that again."

Genetisystems has announced to investors that establishing a presence in low security space is a high priority for the corporation this fiscal year. They have cautioned investors that costs will rise during this risky period of expansion.